I am crrrraazay!

Last night I had a little bit of a nervous breakdown. I went to lay Owen down for bed and came out to the living room, as I made my way to the living room I almost tripped on a laundry basket and basically had to go through a maze to get to the couch to get my laptop, at that moment I started to cry because I felt so overwhelmed, how had 5 baskets of laundry accumulated over the past few weeks and how was I not a good enough mother/wife to be able to work, take care of a baby and have a spotless house each day? Then that crying turned into crying over many other things, I cried because I felt like I had no more friends anymore, I cried because my mom was gone, I cried because I hadn't seen my family in months, I cried because I felt so bad for Owen that he was sick, because I felt that somehow it was my fault... I cried that I had to go back to work and leave Owen with a babysitter..... My craziness started earlier that day when I was rocking Owen. I sat and wondered what it would be like if my mom were here.... would she be visiting all the time? would I have moved back to hilton head so she could see Owen more? what would it be like to call her and ask for advice... what the look on her face would have been when she saw Owen for the first time... would she have been in the delivery room with me? would she think he looked like me? I sat and cried and cried and cried, because I will never know these things and then I got angry... I got angry that so many of my friends had their moms to visit them, to call and get advice from, to tell good news to, to just have a mom.... I got angry that when I feel sad and need to get away from this town that I cant go visit my mom and have a "home" to go to... to have a mom to go baby shopping with... to send Owen special presents, and just for Owen that he won't meet his Grandma, and for my mom not to be able to be with Owen because I know how much she would love him and he would love her. Then I got more upset, what if I get cancer and have to leave Owen???? It is possible, we do have the cancer gene in our family, my mom did test positive for it... then I got scared and even more upset because I want to be able to see Owen get married and have kids. I know you're probably thinking I am nuts and how does this lead to the nervous breakdown, but I really do have a point... so the day goes on, its a lovely day, we went to the market with Owen, had a wonderful lunch and had ice cream, but in the night when I walked through that maze of clothes something went off inside me, I think it may have been a combination of my monthly visitor coming for the first time in 15 months causing me horrible pain and the previously mentioned sequence of events while rocking my son to sleep, and I just went nuts... I was literally a crazy person in the middle of the floor hanging up clothes, crying, asking my husband for more hangers! I cried because I felt like I let my job control me, I cried because I felt like I had let myself get wrapped up in material things, and I cried because I was on the floor mumbling to myself, hanging up clothes... It's weird to me how things change when you have a baby, I thought I knew how things would be different which none of those things concerned me: going out, not being able to just go do whatever whenever, sleeping... I don't care about those things, I have always wanted a baby my whole life, I like spending time with Owen on a saturday night, I like taking him with me places and I don't mind having to leave when he gets upset. But there are things I didn't expect... I didn't expect to feel so alienated, I thank God that one of my best friends had her baby 5 weeks after me and lives right down the street because otherwise I would have been alone the majority of the time and even now that I have gone back to work, I really don't know what I would do without her... I can call her and talk to her about baby stuff, commiserate with her when I am feeling stressed, talk to her about stupid things like baby poop and not have someone get bored or grossed out by the fact that we are discussing baby poop! A lot changes in 3 months, it's strange to go back into a world that you knew so well and had been in for so long and it feel like you have been gone for a year... not know about things that have happened, and feel like you just generally don't even belong there... I don't think I have ever had such a feeling of insecurity as I do now, perhaps its because I am 5 pounds heavier, perhaps its that my priorities have changed, maybe it's just that this is how things go, I dont know... nervous breakdowns=no fun... so now my house is clean, the laundry is done, Owen's cold is seeming to be gone, I had lunch with my wonderful friend and her family down the road, I will be seeing my dad, stepmom and sista in 2 weeks, things are looking up... now to just figure out how to keep thinking this way!

Mommy guilt

Hello my name is Shaz and I suffer from a ridiculous amount of mommy guilt. A truly ridiculous, stupid amount that sometimes I even get annoyed with myself! Am I the only one who suffers from this? I feel like if I have Owen in his swing that he is lonely, putting him in the bouncy seat is even worse, and don't get me started on when I see him from my rearview mirror in his car sear in the back seat. Laying him in the crib seems like the most cruel thing I could ever do, how dare I be selfish and lay him down when I could be holding him? These among other things are what goes through this crazy brain of mine each day... I work odd hours 3 days a week, and normal ones the other 2 so my time with Owen through out the week and weekends is so precious to me, but I feel as though I am harming him by doing this. I need to tell myself that its healthy for him to play on his own, its healthy for him to sleep in his crib, its healthy for him to learn to put the teething toy to his mouth, no Shaz he won't be sad because you are sitting next to him and did not keep it there so he could chew on it... crazy, crazy, crazy.... this weekend I really worked on it, I even went to my friends house for a couple of hours and hung out on my own, little by little I am trying, but still I feel guilty when I am away and could be with him... can someone out there please tell me I am not the only one who feels this way?????

4 months old!!!!!

Owen hamming it up at daycare in the middle of his friends
Dear sweet baby,

As I type this you are lying in your crib asleep for the first time and I am bawling across the room in your rocking chair, yes your mother is a freak. I am sad because I know this will be the end of our slumber parties, I know you need your sleep and so does Mommy, but it was so nice to have you next to me to cuddle. You are such a grown up boy at just 4 months old... you have discovered that your voice goes in many different ranges, my favorite to date is when you sort of squeal... you are blowing bubbles and mimicking sounds we do all the time, you truly are a genius! You love bath time even more these days, you kick and squeal when we lay you in there and smile and coo the entire time! You have become the most mellow baby, no matter where you go you are in a good mood unless you are hungry, you also love people and dont mind other people holding you, tonight Ilene and her mom came to visit and you smiled and talked to them, it warmed my heart. You had cereal for the first time tonight and LOVED it!!!! You ate a lot and did so well, you even got it off the spoon all by yourself, did I mention yet that you are a genius? You are so wonderful and sweet, you are a morning and a night person... when I wake you up so we can get ready for daycare, ( yes I have to wake you because you are that awesome of a baby!) you rub your face and then I say good morning my little lovebug and you smile at me and are happy and ready to go... you are sleeping from about 10 or 10:30 till about 5 or 6... sometimes you wake up and want to play around 12 on weekdays, which I love, in those cases you sleep till about 7, eat and then go back to sleep until I wake you up... Your favorite book is Your Personal Penguin by Sandra Boynton, you love to rock in the rocking chair in your room and read, last night you laughed and kicked as I read it to you, it brought such joy to my heart that you love when I read to you!!! You love the song my darling from the baby mine cd, as soon as I play that for you you start to nod off, you still love music... You love kisses, are now ticklish on your sides and love when we pat your hands and say "and one and two and three and four" are you going to be a drummer like daddy? You look like you are ready to roll over soon, which makes me nervous, can you hold out on that for a couple more weeks? Sweet baby O, you are so very loved, you make me the most happy I have ever been in my life, I miss you very second I am away from you and love every moment I have with you, you are such an absolute joy to be around, and I am so glad God chose me to be your mommy!!!!!!

gross

When checking on my order at amazon to see when my stroller would arrive, it said people also purchased this (it is a nasal aspirator)..... I am ashamed to be in the same category as these people!

It's back to work for me on Monday, I am not looking forward to it AT ALL!!!! I have had the most wonderful 3 months with my precious boy!!!! Along with going back to work comes quite a few decisions, the biggest one 0f course is who will be watching Owen... luckily I have a woman who is running day care out of her house and is kind and sweet and loooooves babies, I know he will be very well taken care of, but just the thought of dropping him off makes me want to throw up!!! the next is do I continue breast feeding? For selfish reasons I want to stop, but for Owen's I know its best to keep going, so Im going to try to keep going until he is 4 months and see how it goes. The second decision is diapering... I have not had to buy diapers since Owen was born, but since my chunkamonk is now in size 2's I had to go out and buy more diapers... 30 bucks later for wipes and diapers and upon feeling the Pampers baby dry, I decided that maybe I should consider something else, if u would not want something that rough on my skin, why would i want to put it on my baby? So I tried a cloth diaper and I loved it, my dad ordered me 6 more so I figure after he is out of his disposables we have left we will give it a whirl, plus theyre so cute!

!

One good thing I did receive is my "going back to work gift" !!!!! This Quinny buzz from my husband, we needed a second car seat so he also got me the maxi cosi car seat that goes with it... for any new moms I highly recomend this after watching the reviews... we have a chicco travel system, but its so bulky and takes up my whole trunk! This also opens itself up with just a press of a button!

Adam and I have a 2 year plan, we plan to pay off all our bills and buy a house in 2011, and maybe even make it so I can work less hours someday! For now I will cherish my last couple days as a stay at home mom this to this amazing baby boy!

My 3 month old!

Dear Owen, 

Today you are 3 months old! I feel like it was just yesterday that I was holding you for the first time! You grow and change everyday, just last week you could barely hold your head up, now that is a piece of cake. You smile all the time and we heard your first laugh last week, have I told you that it was the sweetest sound I have ever heard? You are such an easy going baby, you only cry now when you are very tired or hungry, you mainly just smile and coo at me all day, you bring such joy to my heart. You are still an awesome sleeper, you sleep between 5 and 6 hours at a time, wake up to eat and then go right back to sleep for another 2 hours, wake up to eat and then sleep for another 2-3 hours again, you are so kind to understand the value of sleep. You went on your 2nd vacation to Hilton Head and got to meet your Aunt Terri and your cousins, I think that you enjoyed yourself, you also took your first plane ride and you were the best baby ever, you didnt cry once! The flight attendant and many of the passengers thought you were so cute and well behaved, even the grouchy old business men complimented you! You still love your mommy the most but you are coming around to your daddy, you think he is pretty funny, especially when he dances for you. You discovered your hands this week and I watched you move your blanket up and down in front of your face because you realized you could move things with them, I like to think you were playing peekaboo with yourself in the backseat, because you are that smart! You are starting to like your car seat a lot more, we go for outings and you fall asleep or just sit and coo in your seat. Soon I will be going back to work, but I will miss you more than you know, I think it will be harder on me than it is on you, I wish more than anything in the whole world I could figure out a way to stay home with you, I hope you know that. I love you more than words can say, you are the light of my life. I thank God all the time that he has chosen me to be your mommy, I feel so lucky, your Dad and I often comment that there was never a baby who was so loved. Happy 3 month birthday Owen Benjamin, I cant wait to see what you will be doing next month!

formula=the devil

In 2 weeks I will unfortunately be returning to work, and with that Owen will be going to a babysitter all day. I have been lazy about pumping enough milk, and my doctor told me I would need to supplement as well to keep up with the chunky little guy. We have tried formula in the past and he sucked it down, the only problem was he broke out in a rash and threw up the whole bottle. So my doctor told me to try enfamil gentleease, I have had it for a week and a half now, being that I didnt want to ruin the nice upholstery on he couches at the beach house I thought today would be a fine day to try it again. I put a blanket down on the couch, I had a bib and a burp cloth ready in case we should re live the great formula debacle of 6 weeks, I made the bottle nice and warm, and as soon as that formula touched his lips he spit it out, and screamed and screamed... and I got frustrated for the first time in 3 months. And that frustraton turned into crying... frustration being frustration with myself, why had I waited this long to try this? I should have listened to everyone when they told me I need to get him used to it, but I thought I knew better... and then the crying came when I thought of him at his first day of day care screaming his head off because I did not introduce the formula as much as I should have. I have had to give him a bottle of formula because of cluster feeding issues and he took it just fine, why is it that all of a sudden he has no interest? As we speak I am sitting in my room, I just got done folding a load of clothes and Im trying not to peak out at Adam feeding Owen to see how its going, Im praying that since I havent heard a peep in 10 minutes that he is taking the bottle... I have mixed it with some breast milk to see if that would make the difference, any advice from any moms out there????