A post I never wanted to write?

I think it's pretty safe to say that when a doctor of any kind asks you if you are driving or
Sitting down that they are about to deliver bad news...whoever decided this was the best way to "brace" someone for some bad news they are about to receive clearly wasn't thinking it though...as soon as I heard those words last month I knew the words I had been dreading to hear were what my genetic counselor was about to tell me...the test came back positive. My screening showed that much like my mom and aunt had, I too had the genetic mutation that would try to attack my body and give me breast or ovarian cancer. Even though I have always thought this would be the case, it was like it hit me in the face with a brick...I couldn't breathe, I was trying to calm down, when all I wanted to do was crawl up into a ball under my desk and cry and cry and cry. I didn't do that, instead I made an appointment to meet with her that day and didn't really say much to anyone but a few people I was close with about what was going on, after meeting with her I felt even worse than I had before...87% chance of developing breast cancer...probably more like 90% because of my family
History...mammograms, mris, removing my ovaries, early menopause and worst of all the ugly word that I have convinced myself over and over again would be something I would NEVER do...mastectomy. I left and did what any emotional girl would do...I sat in my living room and ate chipotle chips and guacamole and cried. I was so angry, why did this have to happen; hadn't losing my mom been enough? Hadn't seeing my grandmother die quickly from ovarian cancer been all that I had to face? Why? "This is saving your life" how? How was this saving my life, I'm pretty sure you just told me how it's going to end? "At least you weren't told you had cancer" hey, you're right, but what if someone told you, you are going to be hit by a truck sometime in the next 5 years, we don't know when, but if you drive or go outside the house it's 90% certain you will be hit by a truck, would you thank them for letting you know and then just live in seclusion for the next 5 years? I realize its not that dramatic but you get my point (hopefully)....so I listened to my doctors and family...I read up on what my "diagnosis" meant, what all the options were, I met with every doctor I was told I should...surveillance is the answer, just get checked every 6 months and if we catch it early
Enough your survival rate is great, oh but then if you get it, you have a 70% chance of it coming back-and oh yeah it will be harder to treat...there is only so many times you can
Hear or read "it's not if, it's when"....I was on overload. I was angry, I was mean, I was so many different emotions that for a good 2 weeks I'm sure my boyfriend could tell you I was the most awful person to be around, anything set me off... I felt like this had ruined my life...no one would understand why I was angry because I was healthy, my plastic surgeon acted like I was such a bad ass because I could do crossfit...I had a clean mammogram, no irregularities, I was feeling great, so I
Often asked myself why do you feel like this black cloud is over you? You're totally fine,
Move the eff on and stop worrying about it, you're being a baby, people have had worse things happen, they've been told they have cancer! You don't!!!! So I would feel stupid and ashamed and almost like a weirdo hypochondriac for even feeling like I had something to be upset about, this made me feel worse and stupid and just bad! So I started to read blogs of women like me, girls who were in their twenties and thirties who watched their moms, aunts, grandmothers suffer through the awful, horrible beast that is cancer and decided boobs weren't worth it and did the unthinkable-cut off their twenty year old lovely breasts...I read, looked at their pictures, researched more, talked to my
New bff-my breast surgeon and finally made the appointment I didn't want to make-a plastic surgeon.

The pictures weren't as scary as I thought they would be, the doctor and nurse were so wonderful
And caring, they answered every question I had, drew me pictures, gave me the number of a woman who was going through the same thing as me and assured me that I wasn't silly for feeling the way I did, it was devastating, it's ok to grieve the idea of a normal, healthy life. I left feeling better than I had before. Tonight when Owen asked me why I only had a daddy and not a mommy I realized what all of this was for...it's all for that precious soul, for him to have his mommy to see him do the things my mom didnt get to. I got to find out that I had this ugly, stupid gene at a time where I could have a say in things rather than after cancer treatment, losing my hair, suffering, having to think about leaving my kids, I had the knowledge that I know my mom would have wished she had and I was going to do what I never though I would and what I believe will save my life-a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I am scared shitless! I haven't had any surgery besides my wisdom teeth being extracted and I remember crying like a damn baby the second I woke up from that, how the hell am I going to handle my effing breast being chopped off? But I know I will get through it and I will know I did everything to be there for Owen (even when he doesn't want me to be) to grow old, to see Owen graduate, get married, and maybe have kids of his own, because I KNOW my mom would
Have chosen the same. So this is kinda the beginning of my "journey" (ew I feel like I'm on the bachelor) I have another appointment in 2 weeks and then we will schedule my surgery for December 4th it looks like...I really love my boobs so the though of being without them...(uh d cup down to a
Negative a for a while) makes me want to throw up...the thought of going back to work with a suddenly flat chest, stitches, drains, expanders that make you not be able to sleep on anything but your back literally makes me break out in hives, but this could mean a long life for me and I know getting rid of some tissue doesn't make me any different of a person and it definitely doesn't outweigh LIFE!!!! So this will be my little outlet so I don't freak out or cry everyday until December...hopefulness maybe by the end of it I can look back and wonder why I ever freaked out so much (a girl can hope right?)

Oh April....

I hear her voice and know she is there and I'm rushing to get to her and I almost make it, but every time before I do shes gone, even in my dreams I know this means I won't get to see her again and so I start sobbing, uncontrollably. Every time I wake up to the same thing...tears streaming down my face and feeling as thought I'm hyperventilating from crying so hard... It's in this moment that Owen yells out "mommy come and get me" from his crib (yes were still in a crib don't judge) and all I hope for in that moment is that he will lay back down so I can just cry and be sad for a few minutes, but he yells at me again "mommy I'm up, come here" and I get up to go and get him, he puts his arms around me as I pick him up and the day begins. All through out the day there was 1:11 and 11:11 all over the place, fleetwood Mac was on two stations on the radio, natalie merchant as I sat happily with my friends and things started to make sense....my mom is with me, everyday....in the times when Owen cries out for me because he needs me, just like my mom was for me...I remember one time I was in my room I had gotten in an argument with Adam whole I was home visiting and I was crying. My mom came home from grocery shopping and I yelled out for her through my sobs and she rushed up the stairs...my mom wasn't particularly love dovey with me, but this time she sat next to me on my bed and held me and told me it would be ok and to come sleep in her room with her that night and I suddenly felt better....maybe that's why in times when I cry in the middle of my bathroom floor all I want to do is yell for my mom and have her come hold me and tell me it will be ok, but then there are days like yesterday when I feel her so present around me and I know that when I laugh sitting among people who care about me while "carnival" plays over the loud speakers that she is doing just that.

This month tends to be the hardest for me because I remember back to the day where my aunt called to tell me I needed to come home, the plane ride where I got sick from the magnitude of what was taking place, the nights where I would sit in the hospital room watching her chest rise and fall because I didn't want her to be alone when it was time to go, how funny it was that usually she would wake up and see me doing this and tell me to stop staring at her...the beach house when we were going go go for a walk and all of us sitting on her bed and her saying she wishes she could walk, her singing happy birthday to me and my sister saying to me "she's singing to you!" and then the few days later where she held my hand and stared me in the eye as she left the earth and her broken body and went up to be perfect and happy with Jilly. All of these thoughts come flooding at me at once and then the next minute someone needs me at work, Owen comes and sits on my lap, the thoughts are broken and I know why this is....because rather than sit and think about all of this she wants me to live my life....be a good mom, take care of my baby just like she did with us because all she ever wanted was to be a mom and take care of babies...to work hard and be independent like she was, but lately more than ever I feel like she is trying to get me to see through some of the sadness and loneliness that I feel at times and show me how truly beautiful and wonderful my life is and to live it in a way that maybe she never really got to, so that's what I've been trying to do. A lot has changed recently, but I know that everything will be ok and that when it gets nard even though I can't see her, that she makes it known she's there and it will be ok.

these are a few of my favorite things...

Sometimes I get in pity party mode and start feeling bad for myself...I am far, far away from most of my family, I'm a single, working mama trying my hardest to raise a 2 year old...trying to teach him to be kind, sweet, well rounded and obedient...in these rare times I find it best to think about all the things that are wonderful/make me happy....

(my list is long and in no particular order, but its my blog, i do what I want!)

Owen!

Owen telling me "I love you mommy" this may be my most favorite thing in the WORLD

When Owen gives me kisses on the cheek and the forehead, for some reason its just the sweetest thing to me, then he wants to kiss my nose too, my goodness I love that boy!

Dance parties to "push it" with Owen...he crouches down low and moves his arms and legs and yells "push it!"....today in the car he mastered the "ooh baby baby" part and it made my whole day!

getting my toenails painted with my friends... although its a short period of time these times manage to be the most fun times ever!

spending time with my friends...I have somehow managed to secure the most wonderful group of friends a gal could have, it amazes me everyday these people actually enjoy spending time with me!

speaking in a fake southern accent...I did this for 2 days and I felt like I wasn't myself when I wasn't doing it, it made talking so much more fun

frozen yogurt...I have an addiction and I am proud of it

manicures...I feel so classy when my nails are painted and pretty

shopping. it needs no description

zumba...as embarrassing as it is because I have no dance skills, its fun to shake my butt and pretend like I do for an hour

driving around listening to music...sometimes when Owen and I are bored, we will drive around and dance and sing to music, sometimes Owen doesn't like when I sing and he tells me "top singing mommy" to which I turn around and sing louder:)

right after Owen gets out of the bath he snuggles up next to me and lays his wet head on my shoulder, with a VERY active 2 year old snuggle time is rare these days so I cherish it.

Pretend conversations on the phone with Owen, he usually hangs up on me and laughs.

Drawing with chalk and playing princesses with little Sofia, its fun to relive being a little girl, even if she tells me I can't go to a party with her because my princess's hair isn't brushed and she doesn't have shoes.

throwing pennies into fountains

Sam's club....some thing about things in bulk make me very happy

talking in ridiculous voices with Ilene

watching Jersey Shore with Erica, she doesn't mind when I comment or ask what's going on too many times, this to me is a nice friend!

sips of vodka cranberries and pool time with Heather

hearing Andrew call me sha sha

facetime with my Dad and stepmom

facetime with my auntie terri

talking to my aunt pammy

jumping in the pool on a really hot day

watching carrie do the dougie

nights out with Carrie and Kim

parking lot dancing with Ilene

disney movies

vacuuming... it's so soothing to me

cleaning my bathroom, yes I realize I am a freak

michael kors watches

laying down in a freshly made bed

being silly with Meghan

cafe asia lunches with Meghan

any time spent with my family, they truly are the world's best family a girl could have

my sistas, I love them more than words can say

getting dressed up and having fancy drinks and dinners

ironing dress shirts, I like how crisp and clean they look when you're done, it makes me feel accomplished

alone time, while sometimes I miss the companionship that a relationship brings, there really is nothing like being able to do whatever I want after Owen goes to sleep

polka dot dresses

pretty high heels

getting a tan in the summer

disney movies

hearing Owen talk...he seems to be learning more and more things lately and he has the most wonderful raspy voice I have ever heard, I can't get enough of his precious voice!

Really, anything with Owen

There are a million more things that I could list....there are so many wonderful things that happen everyday, and sometimes it's easy (although ridiculous of me) to forget (even if for only a short period of time) how precious and fantastic life can really be. There is always going to be tough times, always going to be something that can bring you down or make you sad, but there are also so many things to be happy and excited about, and for now I will learn to look forward to tomorrow not be nervous or scared about what it could hold, or at least I am going to try to:)

Tonight I was looking at old pictures....pictures of my favorite summer, when I was 20 years old, living at home with my mom. The biggest problem was how to get up on time to go to work because I had stayed up all night the night before driving 3 hours to watch a band play, or ghost hunting, swimming in the ocean in my clothes with my friends, breaking into pools, laying on sailboats until 2 am with a boy I liked... Now there are bigger problems, family members dying, marriages ending, raising a little boy and wondering if you're doing all the right things...I don't think I would trade my life right now for anything. I think that I can honestly say this is the happiest I have ever been. At the same time this is the most confused I have ever been in my life. For so long I thought that I had my life planned out...get a good job, get married, have a baby and live happily ever after. Life doesn't go that way though, as most everyone (but me apparently) knows. To have the life that you want there is work that has to go into it and for so long I thought that I was doing that but really I was just avoiding any issue that came up. But now I feel more like me than I ever have, there are so many wonderful things happening in my life that are so exciting and fantastic, things that I really have always dreamed of (yes I know I sound like a disney character, but its true ok) but I feel like I am muddying those things up because I am so inside my head and can't get out of it! So i suppose this blog was for me to clear my head and tell myself to wake up and just enjoy life instead of going through it wondering what happens next. Isnt that the thing that got me in trouble in the first place? So many times I feel like I have messed up things that could be good for me because I was so fixated on what happens next, rather than really living in the moment and enjoying what is happening to me now, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to enjoy the great things coming my way and embrace the bad as a lesson and not take what life throws at me so damn personally, because thats just ridiculous really!!!!

30 seconds in the head of Shahrzad

I am a single mom.

I am a single mom at 27 years old.

Did I really just type that?

Is this really my life?

Didn't I just get married?

I am no longer able to just say Im single, Im now divorced.

Am I going to be alone forever?

How am I going to raise this precious boy all by myself?

Oh my gosh I have to date again!!!!

I need to lose 15 pounds.

Is Owen going to have a horrible idea of marriage for the rest of his life.

Oh my gosh, Owen will have a stepmom.

If I ever have another child, they will look completely different from Owen.

Oh my gosh what if I never have another child?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Do I ever want to get married again?

What should a relationship really be like?

Oh my gosh I have to have a first kiss with another guy again!

These are just a few thoughts that go through my head sometimes.

Sarabeara, sister extraordinaire

On this day 26 years ago a beautiful eskimo baby girl was born into this world. Her name was Sara Nicole and I am happy I get to call her my sister. Sara is funny, beautiful, can somehow fit into any size shirt and not have it look bad, she has a gap in her teeth and I think she looks so pretty with it, she has a really cool raspy voice, she writes funny songs, she is really creative, she gives the best blow outs in the world, (seriously, I dont think my hair ever looks etter than when she blow dries and then curls it and no one can do it like her) she is really stylish, she is very smart, she graduated a year early from high school, and she makes me feel better when I am sad. If you are looking for a fabulous hair cut, color or the best blow out of your life (thats what she said) and are in the Austin, TX area call Sara at Modesty and book an appointment you wont regret it! I love my sister so much I wrote her this birthday rap:

26 years ago on this day,

You were a little eskimo comin out momma's va jay jay.

It seems like yesterday you was just a little girl throwin barbie jeeps at my head,

But now you're grown up and you cut heads instead.

You is a sista, a daughter, a girl and an aunt,

If you needed a kidney, id have a kidney transplant.

Have a good birthday my dearest sista,

I wish I was there to party with you, cause you know I miss ya!

Happy birthday Sara!!!!

Weekend oh weekend...

This past weekend was FANTASTIC! I have been having a bit of a rough time lately and I really needed to have a day to myself. I love my child more than anything in the whole world, but sometimes you just need a day to get your nails done, or eat a meal without having to worry about keeping a wiggle worm in his highchair and happy. 18 months is one of the most fun ages ever, but also the most trying at times. Owen has discovered the "art" of whining, so some days are just rough. He is still the most fun, happy child I have ever met, but some days are just hard.

I went to the mall with my friend Erica, got a manicure, got my hair colored and I conquered my fear of eating alone. I have always been too nervous to do this and although I did sit and read my blogs I sat down at a restaurant and ate all by myself and it was actually really nice and relaxing! Later that night we went out on the town, it was a lot of fun, one of the best parts was having a dancing/singing party in an empty parking lot with my best friend at the end of the night...I will let the pictures do the explaining of how the rest of the night was....

I love my friends! I always want to move away from this town, but the main reason I stay is because of the friends I have made here. They really are wonderful, we have such a fun time. And yes, Carrie and I are blowing on our hands as we are about to roll the dice, you like that dice action don't you?

The next day was spent with this precious boy...

He woke up from his nap and didnt seem to be feeling well, so before I changed his clothes I let him snuggle under the covers, he was adament on laying on the pillow by himself with his cup and snack. It made me laugh so hard because he just looked like such a little boy. Owen seriously amazes me every day he just has the cutest little personality. He is so independent! Last night I went to check on him and in his sleep he was saying "mama," it made me smile. He dreams of his mama:)

We went to the mall and Owen picked out a winter hat, the boy has good taste I must say! Then I went to the movies with my lovely friend Meghan and her daughter Kiara, we saw Harry Potter 7!!!!!! It was AWESOME and yes we are 15 year old girls and cried.

I have been looking forward to this coming weekend for a while now. We are off to Hilton Head to spend time with my family and friends. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, mainly because I love spending the day with my family, hanging out and just enjoying each other's company. Last year Owen was so little and didn't really get to "enjoy" thanksgiving, I can't wait to see how he likes it this year. Every thanksgiving night my friend Gill has a bunch of friends over, I can't wait to see everyone!!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!!!!!