A post I never wanted to write?

I think it's pretty safe to say that when a doctor of any kind asks you if you are driving or
Sitting down that they are about to deliver bad news...whoever decided this was the best way to "brace" someone for some bad news they are about to receive clearly wasn't thinking it though...as soon as I heard those words last month I knew the words I had been dreading to hear were what my genetic counselor was about to tell me...the test came back positive. My screening showed that much like my mom and aunt had, I too had the genetic mutation that would try to attack my body and give me breast or ovarian cancer. Even though I have always thought this would be the case, it was like it hit me in the face with a brick...I couldn't breathe, I was trying to calm down, when all I wanted to do was crawl up into a ball under my desk and cry and cry and cry. I didn't do that, instead I made an appointment to meet with her that day and didn't really say much to anyone but a few people I was close with about what was going on, after meeting with her I felt even worse than I had before...87% chance of developing breast cancer...probably more like 90% because of my family
History...mammograms, mris, removing my ovaries, early menopause and worst of all the ugly word that I have convinced myself over and over again would be something I would NEVER do...mastectomy. I left and did what any emotional girl would do...I sat in my living room and ate chipotle chips and guacamole and cried. I was so angry, why did this have to happen; hadn't losing my mom been enough? Hadn't seeing my grandmother die quickly from ovarian cancer been all that I had to face? Why? "This is saving your life" how? How was this saving my life, I'm pretty sure you just told me how it's going to end? "At least you weren't told you had cancer" hey, you're right, but what if someone told you, you are going to be hit by a truck sometime in the next 5 years, we don't know when, but if you drive or go outside the house it's 90% certain you will be hit by a truck, would you thank them for letting you know and then just live in seclusion for the next 5 years? I realize its not that dramatic but you get my point (hopefully)....so I listened to my doctors and family...I read up on what my "diagnosis" meant, what all the options were, I met with every doctor I was told I should...surveillance is the answer, just get checked every 6 months and if we catch it early
Enough your survival rate is great, oh but then if you get it, you have a 70% chance of it coming back-and oh yeah it will be harder to treat...there is only so many times you can
Hear or read "it's not if, it's when"....I was on overload. I was angry, I was mean, I was so many different emotions that for a good 2 weeks I'm sure my boyfriend could tell you I was the most awful person to be around, anything set me off... I felt like this had ruined my life...no one would understand why I was angry because I was healthy, my plastic surgeon acted like I was such a bad ass because I could do crossfit...I had a clean mammogram, no irregularities, I was feeling great, so I
Often asked myself why do you feel like this black cloud is over you? You're totally fine,
Move the eff on and stop worrying about it, you're being a baby, people have had worse things happen, they've been told they have cancer! You don't!!!! So I would feel stupid and ashamed and almost like a weirdo hypochondriac for even feeling like I had something to be upset about, this made me feel worse and stupid and just bad! So I started to read blogs of women like me, girls who were in their twenties and thirties who watched their moms, aunts, grandmothers suffer through the awful, horrible beast that is cancer and decided boobs weren't worth it and did the unthinkable-cut off their twenty year old lovely breasts...I read, looked at their pictures, researched more, talked to my
New bff-my breast surgeon and finally made the appointment I didn't want to make-a plastic surgeon.

The pictures weren't as scary as I thought they would be, the doctor and nurse were so wonderful
And caring, they answered every question I had, drew me pictures, gave me the number of a woman who was going through the same thing as me and assured me that I wasn't silly for feeling the way I did, it was devastating, it's ok to grieve the idea of a normal, healthy life. I left feeling better than I had before. Tonight when Owen asked me why I only had a daddy and not a mommy I realized what all of this was for...it's all for that precious soul, for him to have his mommy to see him do the things my mom didnt get to. I got to find out that I had this ugly, stupid gene at a time where I could have a say in things rather than after cancer treatment, losing my hair, suffering, having to think about leaving my kids, I had the knowledge that I know my mom would have wished she had and I was going to do what I never though I would and what I believe will save my life-a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I am scared shitless! I haven't had any surgery besides my wisdom teeth being extracted and I remember crying like a damn baby the second I woke up from that, how the hell am I going to handle my effing breast being chopped off? But I know I will get through it and I will know I did everything to be there for Owen (even when he doesn't want me to be) to grow old, to see Owen graduate, get married, and maybe have kids of his own, because I KNOW my mom would
Have chosen the same. So this is kinda the beginning of my "journey" (ew I feel like I'm on the bachelor) I have another appointment in 2 weeks and then we will schedule my surgery for December 4th it looks like...I really love my boobs so the though of being without them...(uh d cup down to a
Negative a for a while) makes me want to throw up...the thought of going back to work with a suddenly flat chest, stitches, drains, expanders that make you not be able to sleep on anything but your back literally makes me break out in hives, but this could mean a long life for me and I know getting rid of some tissue doesn't make me any different of a person and it definitely doesn't outweigh LIFE!!!! So this will be my little outlet so I don't freak out or cry everyday until December...hopefulness maybe by the end of it I can look back and wonder why I ever freaked out so much (a girl can hope right?)

Oh April....

I hear her voice and know she is there and I'm rushing to get to her and I almost make it, but every time before I do shes gone, even in my dreams I know this means I won't get to see her again and so I start sobbing, uncontrollably. Every time I wake up to the same thing...tears streaming down my face and feeling as thought I'm hyperventilating from crying so hard... It's in this moment that Owen yells out "mommy come and get me" from his crib (yes were still in a crib don't judge) and all I hope for in that moment is that he will lay back down so I can just cry and be sad for a few minutes, but he yells at me again "mommy I'm up, come here" and I get up to go and get him, he puts his arms around me as I pick him up and the day begins. All through out the day there was 1:11 and 11:11 all over the place, fleetwood Mac was on two stations on the radio, natalie merchant as I sat happily with my friends and things started to make sense....my mom is with me, everyday....in the times when Owen cries out for me because he needs me, just like my mom was for me...I remember one time I was in my room I had gotten in an argument with Adam whole I was home visiting and I was crying. My mom came home from grocery shopping and I yelled out for her through my sobs and she rushed up the stairs...my mom wasn't particularly love dovey with me, but this time she sat next to me on my bed and held me and told me it would be ok and to come sleep in her room with her that night and I suddenly felt better....maybe that's why in times when I cry in the middle of my bathroom floor all I want to do is yell for my mom and have her come hold me and tell me it will be ok, but then there are days like yesterday when I feel her so present around me and I know that when I laugh sitting among people who care about me while "carnival" plays over the loud speakers that she is doing just that.

This month tends to be the hardest for me because I remember back to the day where my aunt called to tell me I needed to come home, the plane ride where I got sick from the magnitude of what was taking place, the nights where I would sit in the hospital room watching her chest rise and fall because I didn't want her to be alone when it was time to go, how funny it was that usually she would wake up and see me doing this and tell me to stop staring at her...the beach house when we were going go go for a walk and all of us sitting on her bed and her saying she wishes she could walk, her singing happy birthday to me and my sister saying to me "she's singing to you!" and then the few days later where she held my hand and stared me in the eye as she left the earth and her broken body and went up to be perfect and happy with Jilly. All of these thoughts come flooding at me at once and then the next minute someone needs me at work, Owen comes and sits on my lap, the thoughts are broken and I know why this is....because rather than sit and think about all of this she wants me to live my life....be a good mom, take care of my baby just like she did with us because all she ever wanted was to be a mom and take care of babies...to work hard and be independent like she was, but lately more than ever I feel like she is trying to get me to see through some of the sadness and loneliness that I feel at times and show me how truly beautiful and wonderful my life is and to live it in a way that maybe she never really got to, so that's what I've been trying to do. A lot has changed recently, but I know that everything will be ok and that when it gets nard even though I can't see her, that she makes it known she's there and it will be ok.

these are a few of my favorite things...

Sometimes I get in pity party mode and start feeling bad for myself...I am far, far away from most of my family, I'm a single, working mama trying my hardest to raise a 2 year old...trying to teach him to be kind, sweet, well rounded and obedient...in these rare times I find it best to think about all the things that are wonderful/make me happy....

(my list is long and in no particular order, but its my blog, i do what I want!)

Owen!

Owen telling me "I love you mommy" this may be my most favorite thing in the WORLD

When Owen gives me kisses on the cheek and the forehead, for some reason its just the sweetest thing to me, then he wants to kiss my nose too, my goodness I love that boy!

Dance parties to "push it" with Owen...he crouches down low and moves his arms and legs and yells "push it!"....today in the car he mastered the "ooh baby baby" part and it made my whole day!

getting my toenails painted with my friends... although its a short period of time these times manage to be the most fun times ever!

spending time with my friends...I have somehow managed to secure the most wonderful group of friends a gal could have, it amazes me everyday these people actually enjoy spending time with me!

speaking in a fake southern accent...I did this for 2 days and I felt like I wasn't myself when I wasn't doing it, it made talking so much more fun

frozen yogurt...I have an addiction and I am proud of it

manicures...I feel so classy when my nails are painted and pretty

shopping. it needs no description

zumba...as embarrassing as it is because I have no dance skills, its fun to shake my butt and pretend like I do for an hour

driving around listening to music...sometimes when Owen and I are bored, we will drive around and dance and sing to music, sometimes Owen doesn't like when I sing and he tells me "top singing mommy" to which I turn around and sing louder:)

right after Owen gets out of the bath he snuggles up next to me and lays his wet head on my shoulder, with a VERY active 2 year old snuggle time is rare these days so I cherish it.

Pretend conversations on the phone with Owen, he usually hangs up on me and laughs.

Drawing with chalk and playing princesses with little Sofia, its fun to relive being a little girl, even if she tells me I can't go to a party with her because my princess's hair isn't brushed and she doesn't have shoes.

throwing pennies into fountains

Sam's club....some thing about things in bulk make me very happy

talking in ridiculous voices with Ilene

watching Jersey Shore with Erica, she doesn't mind when I comment or ask what's going on too many times, this to me is a nice friend!

sips of vodka cranberries and pool time with Heather

hearing Andrew call me sha sha

facetime with my Dad and stepmom

facetime with my auntie terri

talking to my aunt pammy

jumping in the pool on a really hot day

watching carrie do the dougie

nights out with Carrie and Kim

parking lot dancing with Ilene

disney movies

vacuuming... it's so soothing to me

cleaning my bathroom, yes I realize I am a freak

michael kors watches

laying down in a freshly made bed

being silly with Meghan

cafe asia lunches with Meghan

any time spent with my family, they truly are the world's best family a girl could have

my sistas, I love them more than words can say

getting dressed up and having fancy drinks and dinners

ironing dress shirts, I like how crisp and clean they look when you're done, it makes me feel accomplished

alone time, while sometimes I miss the companionship that a relationship brings, there really is nothing like being able to do whatever I want after Owen goes to sleep

polka dot dresses

pretty high heels

getting a tan in the summer

disney movies

hearing Owen talk...he seems to be learning more and more things lately and he has the most wonderful raspy voice I have ever heard, I can't get enough of his precious voice!

Really, anything with Owen

There are a million more things that I could list....there are so many wonderful things that happen everyday, and sometimes it's easy (although ridiculous of me) to forget (even if for only a short period of time) how precious and fantastic life can really be. There is always going to be tough times, always going to be something that can bring you down or make you sad, but there are also so many things to be happy and excited about, and for now I will learn to look forward to tomorrow not be nervous or scared about what it could hold, or at least I am going to try to:)

Tonight I was looking at old pictures....pictures of my favorite summer, when I was 20 years old, living at home with my mom. The biggest problem was how to get up on time to go to work because I had stayed up all night the night before driving 3 hours to watch a band play, or ghost hunting, swimming in the ocean in my clothes with my friends, breaking into pools, laying on sailboats until 2 am with a boy I liked... Now there are bigger problems, family members dying, marriages ending, raising a little boy and wondering if you're doing all the right things...I don't think I would trade my life right now for anything. I think that I can honestly say this is the happiest I have ever been. At the same time this is the most confused I have ever been in my life. For so long I thought that I had my life planned out...get a good job, get married, have a baby and live happily ever after. Life doesn't go that way though, as most everyone (but me apparently) knows. To have the life that you want there is work that has to go into it and for so long I thought that I was doing that but really I was just avoiding any issue that came up. But now I feel more like me than I ever have, there are so many wonderful things happening in my life that are so exciting and fantastic, things that I really have always dreamed of (yes I know I sound like a disney character, but its true ok) but I feel like I am muddying those things up because I am so inside my head and can't get out of it! So i suppose this blog was for me to clear my head and tell myself to wake up and just enjoy life instead of going through it wondering what happens next. Isnt that the thing that got me in trouble in the first place? So many times I feel like I have messed up things that could be good for me because I was so fixated on what happens next, rather than really living in the moment and enjoying what is happening to me now, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to enjoy the great things coming my way and embrace the bad as a lesson and not take what life throws at me so damn personally, because thats just ridiculous really!!!!

30 seconds in the head of Shahrzad

I am a single mom.

I am a single mom at 27 years old.

Did I really just type that?

Is this really my life?

Didn't I just get married?

I am no longer able to just say Im single, Im now divorced.

Am I going to be alone forever?

How am I going to raise this precious boy all by myself?

Oh my gosh I have to date again!!!!

I need to lose 15 pounds.

Is Owen going to have a horrible idea of marriage for the rest of his life.

Oh my gosh, Owen will have a stepmom.

If I ever have another child, they will look completely different from Owen.

Oh my gosh what if I never have another child?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Do I ever want to get married again?

What should a relationship really be like?

Oh my gosh I have to have a first kiss with another guy again!

These are just a few thoughts that go through my head sometimes.

Sarabeara, sister extraordinaire

On this day 26 years ago a beautiful eskimo baby girl was born into this world. Her name was Sara Nicole and I am happy I get to call her my sister. Sara is funny, beautiful, can somehow fit into any size shirt and not have it look bad, she has a gap in her teeth and I think she looks so pretty with it, she has a really cool raspy voice, she writes funny songs, she is really creative, she gives the best blow outs in the world, (seriously, I dont think my hair ever looks etter than when she blow dries and then curls it and no one can do it like her) she is really stylish, she is very smart, she graduated a year early from high school, and she makes me feel better when I am sad. If you are looking for a fabulous hair cut, color or the best blow out of your life (thats what she said) and are in the Austin, TX area call Sara at Modesty and book an appointment you wont regret it! I love my sister so much I wrote her this birthday rap:

26 years ago on this day,

You were a little eskimo comin out momma's va jay jay.

It seems like yesterday you was just a little girl throwin barbie jeeps at my head,

But now you're grown up and you cut heads instead.

You is a sista, a daughter, a girl and an aunt,

If you needed a kidney, id have a kidney transplant.

Have a good birthday my dearest sista,

I wish I was there to party with you, cause you know I miss ya!

Happy birthday Sara!!!!

Weekend oh weekend...

This past weekend was FANTASTIC! I have been having a bit of a rough time lately and I really needed to have a day to myself. I love my child more than anything in the whole world, but sometimes you just need a day to get your nails done, or eat a meal without having to worry about keeping a wiggle worm in his highchair and happy. 18 months is one of the most fun ages ever, but also the most trying at times. Owen has discovered the "art" of whining, so some days are just rough. He is still the most fun, happy child I have ever met, but some days are just hard.

I went to the mall with my friend Erica, got a manicure, got my hair colored and I conquered my fear of eating alone. I have always been too nervous to do this and although I did sit and read my blogs I sat down at a restaurant and ate all by myself and it was actually really nice and relaxing! Later that night we went out on the town, it was a lot of fun, one of the best parts was having a dancing/singing party in an empty parking lot with my best friend at the end of the night...I will let the pictures do the explaining of how the rest of the night was....

I love my friends! I always want to move away from this town, but the main reason I stay is because of the friends I have made here. They really are wonderful, we have such a fun time. And yes, Carrie and I are blowing on our hands as we are about to roll the dice, you like that dice action don't you?

The next day was spent with this precious boy...

He woke up from his nap and didnt seem to be feeling well, so before I changed his clothes I let him snuggle under the covers, he was adament on laying on the pillow by himself with his cup and snack. It made me laugh so hard because he just looked like such a little boy. Owen seriously amazes me every day he just has the cutest little personality. He is so independent! Last night I went to check on him and in his sleep he was saying "mama," it made me smile. He dreams of his mama:)

We went to the mall and Owen picked out a winter hat, the boy has good taste I must say! Then I went to the movies with my lovely friend Meghan and her daughter Kiara, we saw Harry Potter 7!!!!!! It was AWESOME and yes we are 15 year old girls and cried.

I have been looking forward to this coming weekend for a while now. We are off to Hilton Head to spend time with my family and friends. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, mainly because I love spending the day with my family, hanging out and just enjoying each other's company. Last year Owen was so little and didn't really get to "enjoy" thanksgiving, I can't wait to see how he likes it this year. Every thanksgiving night my friend Gill has a bunch of friends over, I can't wait to see everyone!!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!!!!!

100 things about me

I am at a loss for what to write, and I promised my best friend I would write a blog.... I got this idea from another blog I read, so without further ado, here are some things about me you may not have known....

1. My name is Shahrzad

2. I was named after the princess from the book 1001 Arabian Nights.

3. My middle name is Ashley

4. My sister's middle name is Nicole. My mom named us after Ashley and Nicki from Young and the Restless.

5. I have the most amazing son on the planet!

6. I have the most awesome family you will ever meet.

7. I have a mom in Heaven.

8. I have a grandmother in Heaven.

9. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss them.

10. I have hazel eyes that turn green when I cry.

11. I am half Persian.

12. When I was little I could speak Persian very well I am told, but now can say very few words.

13. I was born in El Paso, TX

14. If I could live anywhere in the U.S. I would live in either Dallas or San Francisco, they are my favorite places in the world.

15. I traveled to Taiwan when I was 2 1/2 years old.

16. I have a bit of a shopping addiciton.

17. I have an unhealthy obsession with sunflower seeds...I cold eat them all day.

18. If I had to choose one thing to eat for every meal it would be cowpals lowfat mozzarella string cheese.

19. I am a debt collector.

20. I have 3 tattoos.

21. I have my nose pierced.

22. I want to live in Disney World.

23. I never want to go back to school ever again.

24. I have the most vivid dreams and can usually remember every single detail of them when I wake up.

25. I am a people pleaser.

26. I can't sleep when I sleep at other people's houses.

27. Driving in the car and listening to music is one of my most favorite things.

28. I wish I was a good dancer.

29. I wear contacts

30. I think taking care of a dog is much more work than taking care of babies.

31. Nothing makes me happier than hugs from Owen.

32. I don't go to sleep ntil 2 or 3 in the morning most nights.

33. I am NOT a morning person.

34. I hate when people abbreviate words.

35. I say the phrase "mother of pearl" entirely too much.

36. I have a good sense of humor.

37. I love balloons, they make me happy.

38. I LOVE diet coke!

39. I would rather listen to 80's music all day than anything else.

40. I love Target and go there at least twice a week.

41. I hate taking out the trash.

42. I only type with my first two fingers, but type really fast.

43. I have an iphone and don't know how I lived without it.

44. I hate exercising, but love it after I'm done.

45. I will never be stick thin and I'm OK with that.

46. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving because it celebrates two of my favorite things: family and eating.

47. I love food but I also hate it because I love it so much.

48. I have to have my bangs cut a certain way.

49. I am obsessed with accessories, especially necklaces, but wear the same ones all the time.

50. I have a tie for favorite TV show: Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City

51. I can recite most episodes of Sex and the City because I have seen them so many times.

52. Sometimes I get to the place I was driving to and don't remember how I got there.

53. I hate my voice.

54. My biggest pet peeve is loud sneezers.

55. I think Owen has the cutest voice I have ever heard.

56. I hate shopping on the sale rack, but usually find everything I like there.

57. I am really bad at telling jokes.

58. I get my feelings hurt very easily.

59. I love being 27.

60. Turning 30 scares me but also seems so exciting.

61. My favorite nail polish color is midnight in moscow.

62. I have to talk about my decisions before I make them.

63. I have been told I laugh like Betty Rubble.

64. I am a control freak.

65. I used to be really good at playing the flute.

66. I really wish I liked football, because it intrigues me.

67. I have the best friends in the whole world.

68. I hate the taste of beer, but always wish I liked it.

69. I love the water.

70. If I could look like anyone in the world it would be Charlize Theron.

71. If I could marry any celebrity I would marry Dave Grohl or Josh Duhamel.

72. I got my first job at 14 years old.

73. I am very strong willed.

74. I get really bad anxiety when I hang out with anyone I don't know.

75. When I was little a plane my sister and I were on had to make an emergency landing and we got to slide down the slide.

76. I hate flying.

77. I could eat ice cream everyday.

78. I overanalyze everything.

79. I take medicine for adult ADD.

80. I feel the best about myself after getting my haircut.

81. I don't really have a "hobby" and I'm OK with that.

82. I wish I knew how to sew.

83. I wish I was more creative.

84. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother.

85. People with bad grammar annoy me.

86. I think Clarity by Jimmy Eat World is the best album ever made.

87. I miss Owen so much when he goes to sleep that I go in and rock him sometimes.

88. I don't like living with other people.

89. I think that if a girl doesn't have other friends who are girls you shouldn't trust them.

90. Through out middle school I went by "Sam" because it was too hard for people to say my name, thats really strange when I think about it.

91. When I was 5 I knew all the lyrics to losing my religion.

92. I was the first grandchild and niece in my family.

93. One of my favorite things ever was when I would walk into a room where my Grandpa was and I would say hi and ask him how he was and he would say "if I was any better I'd be you" anytime I hear someone say this it warms my heart, I love my Grandpa

94. I am obsessed with mac eyeshadow and once sold several colors to a woman at the counter while the salesladies were busy.

95. Most people know me as Shaz, I don't know how I got this nickname.

96. I don't like my name.

97. My friend and I used to go see the star wars movies when they first came out, I watched one a few months back and don't quite understand why we were so into them.

98. My friends and I used to go on ghost hunts in the middle of the night to places hours away, these are some of my most favorite memories.

99. I hate talking on the phone.

100. I like who I am.

I hope this didn't bore you, maybe soon I will be back to write about something interesting:)

Why I order in...

Today was a beautiful day! We got out of work a bit early, and I got to get my nails painted with my friends Ilene and Erica, picked up Owen and Ilene watched him so I could go to the gym since Adam is out of town...We were having the best time and decided that we should go out to dinner. Now the story to follow may not seem like that big of a deal for those of you who have normal dining experiences, but for Ilene and I, this seems to be the norm. What you are probably thinking is maybe you guys are just difficult, but we aren't, in fact for being out with 2, usually 3 children we are the most laid back, easy customers around!!!! We feel bad for asking for drink refills or for extra dressing, and we leave huge tips because Owen and Andrew tend to make a bit of a mess!!!!!! The evening was shaping up to be great, we went to outback which usually has a line out the door, were seated immediately, we were very excited and up walks the waiter...Owen had been playing with his crayons and as any normal 16 month old would, had dropped a couple

waiter: "you might just want to give him one a time" in a very condescending, rude voice...

I just kind of laughed it off, then he asks if we have been there in a while, neither of us had but knew what was in store if we said no, so we said yes, he proceeded to tell us everything he would tell someone who said no, and at a snails pace...5 minutes later I learned that the sides that come with the meal can be substituted for something else....we order 2 diet cokes, a milk an a fruit punch, seems easy enough, roughly 10 minutes later our waiter returns with 2 waters and a fruit punch, and then says "id advise you to not give him the fruit punch till the chocolate milk comes out"we didnt order chocolate milk..... I then tell him that we needed 2 diet cokes and a milk, to which he seems shocked and almost mad, Ilene asks for roumalade sauce about 4 times... he comes back with 2 diet cokes, no milk and no roumalade... she asks for it again, he answers as though this is the first time he hears it...5 minutes later he returns with marmalade and a milk, she asks for the roumalade and tells him she knew she told him she didnt know how to pronounce it, and he asks if its ok if he brings it in a big bowl, but then proceeds to tell us what other size bowls there are after we said whichever is fine....5 minutes later the roumalade comes, we havent ordered our food and he tells us to enjoy and walks away...we erupt in laughter because we cant believe this is whats happening, meanwhile the 2 boys across from us are laughing as well and tell us that we dont even know what were in for, they proceed to tell us about the "worst dining experience they have ever encountered" he lost their order, told them he would comp a meal and then didnt comp it, and basically left them unattended for 40 minute periods of time, multiple times, all while seeming completely out of it like he had with us... they left a note saying they werent mean but they werent tipping and left...meanwhile 15 minutes has passed and our waiter starts to walk by, Ilene catches him and asks if we can order to which he replied "oh well I was in the bathroom" and then takes our order : chicken on the barbie with a salad, kids mac and cheese..salmon with mashed potatoes and chicken fingers with mashed potatoes...a very easy order! He stands there for what seems like an eternity and then reads it back and its WRONG! If you dont think this is ridiculous, you might as well stop reading, but we started laughing so hard because it seriously felt like we were about to be on candid camera, this man had the slowest, most aggravating voice and he seemed like he was high as a kite the entire time to give you a brief description, he also was in his 30's if youre picturing some young kid...so then he leaves he comes back about 10 minutes later with a drink for me and then realizes Ilene's drink is empty, he then stands there watching a table of girls shuffle in and as he pours half of my drink into Ilenes cup watches them with glazed over eyes, Ilene returns and we drink our half filled glasses of diet coke, ate and then decided someone had to know about this...we talked to the manager and she ended up giving us our whole meal free, she told us time and time again that we didnt even need to explain that she totally understood and the look on her face seemed like this was about the 10th time she had dealt with him that night...

We laughed so hard as we walked out and wanted to tell the people in his section to ask to be moved, honestly I think he is costing Outback money and they may be better off with one less server for the night... this is why I do not think I will be dining out at all for a while...surprisingly enough this was one of the most relaxing dining out experiences I have had in a while, but I guess it is when you let your wild child baby take ranch dressing and swirl it around on the table to keep him occupied for a while:)

Dear Friday..I hate you

Dear Friday,

Since I was a young girl, I have always loved you. When Monday came I wanted nothing to do with it, I only looked forward to being with you, I guess you could say you were my one true love as far as weekdays were concerned. But lately Friday I feel like you have something against me. My love affair with Saturday has been going on for quite some time and I thought knew about this, I told you what to expect from the beginning, I never lead you on...I told you this was strictly a work relationship and that my heart truly belonged to Saturday, so why the sudden vendetta? I mean really, after the workday I had you decide that I need a speeding ticket? And to top it off I was given the ticket by a cop who obviously has no compassion for a crying, sick baby in the backseat and a very kind, apologetic me...and for the record cop, dont try to engage in small talk after giving me a $136.00 ticket...

I am sick of your false promises, I only have eyes for Saturday now, no longer will I look forward to you at the start of the week, I know what you will bring when you come along and Im through with you.

Not affectionately yours,

Shahrzad

Oh insecurity!

Sometimes I have very ridiculous feelings of insecurity... Im not skinny enough or pretty enough...I cant keep my house clean....my clothes arent stylish enough....my house isnt cute enough...I am not the best mom in the world...I'm not fun anymore...I could be better at my job...why can't I get everything done that I need or want to get done...you get the idea? Well yesterday I felt that way, I was in a funk. So I called my friend Lindsay and we decided to go out to lunch and get pedicures and it was EXACTLY what I needed! We had the best time! We went out to mexican and then decided to go shopping.... we got lots of cute things for the babes, they are going to be very well dressed for the summer...we tried on rompers at The Limited, and I literally fell on the floor laughing, it might have been because Lindsay said "oh ya know we're just rompin around" while wearing a romper, by the way the girl can pull off a romper! I have decided I want to live in Ann Taylor tshirts, they are so soft and wonderful, but I would have to spend my entire paycheck buying them in every color, 25 bucks for a tshirt, seriously? We admied beautiful rings, then got mani/pedis while eating chocolate, it was wonderful! Then we had pizza and made cocktails and sat and talked and laughed a lot...It really was one of the most fun days I have had in a while, all my insecurities went away for a short time.... maybe its that I have pretty nails and toes, but I think it may be from knowing that Im not the only one out there who feels this way and knowing that I have fabulous friends out there like her... Thanks Lindsay and maybe when Vada and Owen are older Greg and Adam will teach them thriller and have them perform it for us:)

Its my party and I'll cry if I want to...and cry he did...

Happy Birthday Owen!!!

This past weekend we celebrated our sweet baby turning one year old...I cant think of a better thing to celebrate!!!

It is hard to believe that we were celebrating him entering into the world just a year ago, I feel like he has always been here!

I had lots of family come into town...My stepmom arrived Thursday, it was so wonderful having her here, I love Eshi... She stayed home with Owen to celebrate his big day, I know Owen loved being with his Oma so much...

My aunts, cousin and little sister arrived on Friday and Saturday... I love having my family around, they make me happy and are so much fun, they make me feel comforted and they love Owen so much! My aunts are really the greatest aunts around, I couldn't ask for a better family!

My sweet friend Lindsay was wonderful enough to let us have the party at her house, as 30 people wouldnt exactly fit inside my apartment..

We had lots of yummy food and everyone seemed to have a great time...

Owen HATED his cake, but had a great time smashing it all around, until it got all over him....

After he had a mini meltdown and had a bath we got him dressed and let him play outside on the deck with his friends...

After the party we went to one of my favorite places, the Village grill, to celebrate my wonderful Aunt Terri's birthday, (she and Owen were born on the same day) Owen was our entertainment and my aunt offered to pay me $100 bucks to roll down a very steep hill, looking back on it I totally should have done it!

Sunday my aunts left and Tuesday my stepmom left, I miss them all a lot, its hard being so far away from all of them here, can't wait until he summertime as we will be traveling a lot to see them all...

Adam took Owen out of town this weekend to go see his Grandma, so I am just staying home and sleeping, deep cleaning and getting some good girl time in...Hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

oh weekend how I love thee... let me count the ways...

Is it really already Sunday night? I wish I had just one more day! This weekend has been a wonderful one, I got a lot accomplished...though I will be honest, I ate horribly and I didnt work out ONCE, but it was totally WORTH it!!!

Friday night I decided to take Owen on a mommy/baby date... we went to the mall because he needed some new clothes (its still a shopping diet if it isnt for me right?) the weather has been sooo warm here and all I bought was pants since we were having such a cold winter. Then we sat down to have some dinner... is he not the cutest date there ever was? I will admit that I tried to look around for some things for me, but I just am not loving anything I have seen recently, at least nothing in the Roanoke mall...

We went to target to meet my friend Heather on a secret mission for our friend Ilene's baby shower... we got her some super cute shelves and some really cute baskets for her baby room, she had no idea, which made it even more fun...Owen loved being pushed around by sweet Riley, isnt she so beautiful! Looking at this picture makes me sad, he looks like such a little boy:( I really had to leave target because if I would have stayed any longer Ilene and Kayden would have had everything in target, I was in that kind of mood, do any of you get like that?

By the time we got home, Owen was tuckered out, but I wasnt, I went on a mad cleaning spree! It felt good though to get everything in order so I wouldnt have to do much for the rest of the weekend, I dont know who I was kidding though because the next day my living room looked like a tornado hit it again...

I picked up Ilene and Heather and I coordinated for her to drop off the goods so her husband could set them up while we were eating lunch and surprise Ilene when we got back, it was so much fun... I am reeeaally horrible at keeping secrets, so it was killing me... lunch was so fun, and I was baaaad, I had a fried green tomato BLT followed by a slice of death by chocolate cake, but I didn't eat the whole things by myself, so that doesn't count right? Ilene is just the mose beautiful pregnant woman ever, isn't she? She was so precious and embarrassed we were celebrating her, but she deserves it, she is a wonderful friend, I couldnt ask for a better best friend than her!

After we ate we went to Ilene's to see the surprise, she loved it, we were so excited, and little Kayden's room looks so precious, she is the most awesome nursery decorator, everything is so precious and put together... then we hung out and enjoyed the beautiful weather!

I got home and took a walk with Owen to visit Lindsay... it had been forever since I had seen her and I missed her, plus Owen loves Vada, its alway so cute to watch them together... here is one of their promo shots for their dance troupe "cute on command"...blurry but its hard to get these cuties to sit still!

Then Adam and I went on our first date since I had Owen, it was so much fun, I would show you a picture but I have bags like youve neva seen! We ate mexican and then I got a manicure while he went and read books at barnes and noble, he is now obsessed with his "theory of music" book and reads it to Owen, its actually really cute...

Today we went to lunch with Ilene and helped her organize the last of Kayden's clothes... I also discovered the magic that is a diet sprite with extra ice from sonic, it was Heaven in a cup... we also went to Target and decided to completely change our bathrooms, what do you think? I dont know about it yet... I was going for shabby chic, but I dont know if its too grandma?(sorry for the crappy iphone pics, Adam wont let me take the nikon with me) It was fun to hang out and talk...

While Owen and I were over there, Adam was at home putting up Owen's wall decal I have been wanting for forever... I have a little bit of an owl obsession ever since I purchased his dwellstudio owl sheets and changing pad cover, and this went perfectly, Adam took Owen grocery shopping with him so he could get a nap, because for the life of me I cant get that baby to take one here, any help out there? While they were gone, I organized and cleaned his room... here are a few pics of his room, Adam is so excited to use his camera and get a 360 shot of them room, so when he does that I will post it... we still need to fill up the shelves, I need inspiration... I am trying to get everything nice and together as we are having lots of company in the next couple weeks to celebrate Owen's first birthday...so shocking to me, I cant believe this time last year he was still in my belly... Now it's off to bed, Im pretty tired, I hope you all had a fabulous weekend!!!!

Christastic

I struggled with an introduction to this post, because really there are so many good things I could say about the lady pictured above with me... but this wasnt always the case with us.. 11 years ago we were sworn enemies...why? Because I loved the boys, and I happened to fancy her boyfriend. Many months later, and an evil death stare in our high school halls I arrived to the first day of crew to find out she was behind me in our boat and being very, very nervous...but we soon became friends, and from there it was history. If your friends with Christen, youre a very lucky person, I consider myself to be one of the luckiest to have her as one of my best friends! She will back you up if you are in a fight with someone, (she has a chair, watch out) she is an excellent bird watcher, but most of all she is a wonderful friend and an even better momma!!! I loved spending time with her and her beautiful boy Holden, she is such a loving, caring mom. She is so sweet and nurturing to Holden, it warmed my heart to see her with that precious boy, because if anyone should be a mom its Christen...Owen was fascinated by him, he would just look at me and smile when I was holding him, that is when he wasnt trying to grab or eat him...

We had such a fun time, shopping, watching gilmore girls and EATING... there was lots of bad food and cupcakes all weekend, but it was too much fun to count calories, and anytime there is a wild wings involved the diet has to be nonexistent in my eyes...

I love Christen... we can drive around and listen to old songs together (well mainly Vroom and just one song peter vest, because when we were teenagers we would drive around and sing it all night) gossip and read blogs and just be silly girls... she is content to sit at home and watch gilmore girls and eat pizza, she didnt get mad when my son broke her lamp (if you cant fix it, tell me well buy you a new one) shes just plain fantastic and I love her dearly!

We will hopefully be making more trips to visit her and the bebe soon, as I dont think I can go long without seeing her anymore, its probably a good thing that we dont live close to each other as we would both be broke from shopping too much!