Oh April....

I hear her voice and know she is there and I'm rushing to get to her and I almost make it, but every time before I do shes gone, even in my dreams I know this means I won't get to see her again and so I start sobbing, uncontrollably. Every time I wake up to the same thing...tears streaming down my face and feeling as thought I'm hyperventilating from crying so hard... It's in this moment that Owen yells out "mommy come and get me" from his crib (yes were still in a crib don't judge) and all I hope for in that moment is that he will lay back down so I can just cry and be sad for a few minutes, but he yells at me again "mommy I'm up, come here" and I get up to go and get him, he puts his arms around me as I pick him up and the day begins. All through out the day there was 1:11 and 11:11 all over the place, fleetwood Mac was on two stations on the radio, natalie merchant as I sat happily with my friends and things started to make sense....my mom is with me, everyday....in the times when Owen cries out for me because he needs me, just like my mom was for me...I remember one time I was in my room I had gotten in an argument with Adam whole I was home visiting and I was crying. My mom came home from grocery shopping and I yelled out for her through my sobs and she rushed up the stairs...my mom wasn't particularly love dovey with me, but this time she sat next to me on my bed and held me and told me it would be ok and to come sleep in her room with her that night and I suddenly felt better....maybe that's why in times when I cry in the middle of my bathroom floor all I want to do is yell for my mom and have her come hold me and tell me it will be ok, but then there are days like yesterday when I feel her so present around me and I know that when I laugh sitting among people who care about me while "carnival" plays over the loud speakers that she is doing just that.

This month tends to be the hardest for me because I remember back to the day where my aunt called to tell me I needed to come home, the plane ride where I got sick from the magnitude of what was taking place, the nights where I would sit in the hospital room watching her chest rise and fall because I didn't want her to be alone when it was time to go, how funny it was that usually she would wake up and see me doing this and tell me to stop staring at her...the beach house when we were going go go for a walk and all of us sitting on her bed and her saying she wishes she could walk, her singing happy birthday to me and my sister saying to me "she's singing to you!" and then the few days later where she held my hand and stared me in the eye as she left the earth and her broken body and went up to be perfect and happy with Jilly. All of these thoughts come flooding at me at once and then the next minute someone needs me at work, Owen comes and sits on my lap, the thoughts are broken and I know why this is....because rather than sit and think about all of this she wants me to live my life....be a good mom, take care of my baby just like she did with us because all she ever wanted was to be a mom and take care of babies...to work hard and be independent like she was, but lately more than ever I feel like she is trying to get me to see through some of the sadness and loneliness that I feel at times and show me how truly beautiful and wonderful my life is and to live it in a way that maybe she never really got to, so that's what I've been trying to do. A lot has changed recently, but I know that everything will be ok and that when it gets nard even though I can't see her, that she makes it known she's there and it will be ok.

these are a few of my favorite things...

Sometimes I get in pity party mode and start feeling bad for myself...I am far, far away from most of my family, I'm a single, working mama trying my hardest to raise a 2 year old...trying to teach him to be kind, sweet, well rounded and obedient...in these rare times I find it best to think about all the things that are wonderful/make me happy....

(my list is long and in no particular order, but its my blog, i do what I want!)

Owen!

Owen telling me "I love you mommy" this may be my most favorite thing in the WORLD

When Owen gives me kisses on the cheek and the forehead, for some reason its just the sweetest thing to me, then he wants to kiss my nose too, my goodness I love that boy!

Dance parties to "push it" with Owen...he crouches down low and moves his arms and legs and yells "push it!"....today in the car he mastered the "ooh baby baby" part and it made my whole day!

getting my toenails painted with my friends... although its a short period of time these times manage to be the most fun times ever!

spending time with my friends...I have somehow managed to secure the most wonderful group of friends a gal could have, it amazes me everyday these people actually enjoy spending time with me!

speaking in a fake southern accent...I did this for 2 days and I felt like I wasn't myself when I wasn't doing it, it made talking so much more fun

frozen yogurt...I have an addiction and I am proud of it

manicures...I feel so classy when my nails are painted and pretty

shopping. it needs no description

zumba...as embarrassing as it is because I have no dance skills, its fun to shake my butt and pretend like I do for an hour

driving around listening to music...sometimes when Owen and I are bored, we will drive around and dance and sing to music, sometimes Owen doesn't like when I sing and he tells me "top singing mommy" to which I turn around and sing louder:)

right after Owen gets out of the bath he snuggles up next to me and lays his wet head on my shoulder, with a VERY active 2 year old snuggle time is rare these days so I cherish it.

Pretend conversations on the phone with Owen, he usually hangs up on me and laughs.

Drawing with chalk and playing princesses with little Sofia, its fun to relive being a little girl, even if she tells me I can't go to a party with her because my princess's hair isn't brushed and she doesn't have shoes.

throwing pennies into fountains

Sam's club....some thing about things in bulk make me very happy

talking in ridiculous voices with Ilene

watching Jersey Shore with Erica, she doesn't mind when I comment or ask what's going on too many times, this to me is a nice friend!

sips of vodka cranberries and pool time with Heather

hearing Andrew call me sha sha

facetime with my Dad and stepmom

facetime with my auntie terri

talking to my aunt pammy

jumping in the pool on a really hot day

watching carrie do the dougie

nights out with Carrie and Kim

parking lot dancing with Ilene

disney movies

vacuuming... it's so soothing to me

cleaning my bathroom, yes I realize I am a freak

michael kors watches

laying down in a freshly made bed

being silly with Meghan

cafe asia lunches with Meghan

any time spent with my family, they truly are the world's best family a girl could have

my sistas, I love them more than words can say

getting dressed up and having fancy drinks and dinners

ironing dress shirts, I like how crisp and clean they look when you're done, it makes me feel accomplished

alone time, while sometimes I miss the companionship that a relationship brings, there really is nothing like being able to do whatever I want after Owen goes to sleep

polka dot dresses

pretty high heels

getting a tan in the summer

disney movies

hearing Owen talk...he seems to be learning more and more things lately and he has the most wonderful raspy voice I have ever heard, I can't get enough of his precious voice!

Really, anything with Owen

There are a million more things that I could list....there are so many wonderful things that happen everyday, and sometimes it's easy (although ridiculous of me) to forget (even if for only a short period of time) how precious and fantastic life can really be. There is always going to be tough times, always going to be something that can bring you down or make you sad, but there are also so many things to be happy and excited about, and for now I will learn to look forward to tomorrow not be nervous or scared about what it could hold, or at least I am going to try to:)

Tonight I was looking at old pictures....pictures of my favorite summer, when I was 20 years old, living at home with my mom. The biggest problem was how to get up on time to go to work because I had stayed up all night the night before driving 3 hours to watch a band play, or ghost hunting, swimming in the ocean in my clothes with my friends, breaking into pools, laying on sailboats until 2 am with a boy I liked... Now there are bigger problems, family members dying, marriages ending, raising a little boy and wondering if you're doing all the right things...I don't think I would trade my life right now for anything. I think that I can honestly say this is the happiest I have ever been. At the same time this is the most confused I have ever been in my life. For so long I thought that I had my life planned out...get a good job, get married, have a baby and live happily ever after. Life doesn't go that way though, as most everyone (but me apparently) knows. To have the life that you want there is work that has to go into it and for so long I thought that I was doing that but really I was just avoiding any issue that came up. But now I feel more like me than I ever have, there are so many wonderful things happening in my life that are so exciting and fantastic, things that I really have always dreamed of (yes I know I sound like a disney character, but its true ok) but I feel like I am muddying those things up because I am so inside my head and can't get out of it! So i suppose this blog was for me to clear my head and tell myself to wake up and just enjoy life instead of going through it wondering what happens next. Isnt that the thing that got me in trouble in the first place? So many times I feel like I have messed up things that could be good for me because I was so fixated on what happens next, rather than really living in the moment and enjoying what is happening to me now, but I don't want to do that anymore. I want to enjoy the great things coming my way and embrace the bad as a lesson and not take what life throws at me so damn personally, because thats just ridiculous really!!!!

30 seconds in the head of Shahrzad

I am a single mom.

I am a single mom at 27 years old.

Did I really just type that?

Is this really my life?

Didn't I just get married?

I am no longer able to just say Im single, Im now divorced.

Am I going to be alone forever?

How am I going to raise this precious boy all by myself?

Oh my gosh I have to date again!!!!

I need to lose 15 pounds.

Is Owen going to have a horrible idea of marriage for the rest of his life.

Oh my gosh, Owen will have a stepmom.

If I ever have another child, they will look completely different from Owen.

Oh my gosh what if I never have another child?

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Do I ever want to get married again?

What should a relationship really be like?

Oh my gosh I have to have a first kiss with another guy again!

These are just a few thoughts that go through my head sometimes.

Sarabeara, sister extraordinaire

On this day 26 years ago a beautiful eskimo baby girl was born into this world. Her name was Sara Nicole and I am happy I get to call her my sister. Sara is funny, beautiful, can somehow fit into any size shirt and not have it look bad, she has a gap in her teeth and I think she looks so pretty with it, she has a really cool raspy voice, she writes funny songs, she is really creative, she gives the best blow outs in the world, (seriously, I dont think my hair ever looks etter than when she blow dries and then curls it and no one can do it like her) she is really stylish, she is very smart, she graduated a year early from high school, and she makes me feel better when I am sad. If you are looking for a fabulous hair cut, color or the best blow out of your life (thats what she said) and are in the Austin, TX area call Sara at Modesty and book an appointment you wont regret it! I love my sister so much I wrote her this birthday rap:

26 years ago on this day,

You were a little eskimo comin out momma's va jay jay.

It seems like yesterday you was just a little girl throwin barbie jeeps at my head,

But now you're grown up and you cut heads instead.

You is a sista, a daughter, a girl and an aunt,

If you needed a kidney, id have a kidney transplant.

Have a good birthday my dearest sista,

I wish I was there to party with you, cause you know I miss ya!

Happy birthday Sara!!!!

Weekend oh weekend...

This past weekend was FANTASTIC! I have been having a bit of a rough time lately and I really needed to have a day to myself. I love my child more than anything in the whole world, but sometimes you just need a day to get your nails done, or eat a meal without having to worry about keeping a wiggle worm in his highchair and happy. 18 months is one of the most fun ages ever, but also the most trying at times. Owen has discovered the "art" of whining, so some days are just rough. He is still the most fun, happy child I have ever met, but some days are just hard.

I went to the mall with my friend Erica, got a manicure, got my hair colored and I conquered my fear of eating alone. I have always been too nervous to do this and although I did sit and read my blogs I sat down at a restaurant and ate all by myself and it was actually really nice and relaxing! Later that night we went out on the town, it was a lot of fun, one of the best parts was having a dancing/singing party in an empty parking lot with my best friend at the end of the night...I will let the pictures do the explaining of how the rest of the night was....

I love my friends! I always want to move away from this town, but the main reason I stay is because of the friends I have made here. They really are wonderful, we have such a fun time. And yes, Carrie and I are blowing on our hands as we are about to roll the dice, you like that dice action don't you?

The next day was spent with this precious boy...

He woke up from his nap and didnt seem to be feeling well, so before I changed his clothes I let him snuggle under the covers, he was adament on laying on the pillow by himself with his cup and snack. It made me laugh so hard because he just looked like such a little boy. Owen seriously amazes me every day he just has the cutest little personality. He is so independent! Last night I went to check on him and in his sleep he was saying "mama," it made me smile. He dreams of his mama:)

We went to the mall and Owen picked out a winter hat, the boy has good taste I must say! Then I went to the movies with my lovely friend Meghan and her daughter Kiara, we saw Harry Potter 7!!!!!! It was AWESOME and yes we are 15 year old girls and cried.

I have been looking forward to this coming weekend for a while now. We are off to Hilton Head to spend time with my family and friends. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, mainly because I love spending the day with my family, hanging out and just enjoying each other's company. Last year Owen was so little and didn't really get to "enjoy" thanksgiving, I can't wait to see how he likes it this year. Every thanksgiving night my friend Gill has a bunch of friends over, I can't wait to see everyone!!!!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday!!!!!

100 things about me

I am at a loss for what to write, and I promised my best friend I would write a blog.... I got this idea from another blog I read, so without further ado, here are some things about me you may not have known....

1. My name is Shahrzad

2. I was named after the princess from the book 1001 Arabian Nights.

3. My middle name is Ashley

4. My sister's middle name is Nicole. My mom named us after Ashley and Nicki from Young and the Restless.

5. I have the most amazing son on the planet!

6. I have the most awesome family you will ever meet.

7. I have a mom in Heaven.

8. I have a grandmother in Heaven.

9. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss them.

10. I have hazel eyes that turn green when I cry.

11. I am half Persian.

12. When I was little I could speak Persian very well I am told, but now can say very few words.

13. I was born in El Paso, TX

14. If I could live anywhere in the U.S. I would live in either Dallas or San Francisco, they are my favorite places in the world.

15. I traveled to Taiwan when I was 2 1/2 years old.

16. I have a bit of a shopping addiciton.

17. I have an unhealthy obsession with sunflower seeds...I cold eat them all day.

18. If I had to choose one thing to eat for every meal it would be cowpals lowfat mozzarella string cheese.

19. I am a debt collector.

20. I have 3 tattoos.

21. I have my nose pierced.

22. I want to live in Disney World.

23. I never want to go back to school ever again.

24. I have the most vivid dreams and can usually remember every single detail of them when I wake up.

25. I am a people pleaser.

26. I can't sleep when I sleep at other people's houses.

27. Driving in the car and listening to music is one of my most favorite things.

28. I wish I was a good dancer.

29. I wear contacts

30. I think taking care of a dog is much more work than taking care of babies.

31. Nothing makes me happier than hugs from Owen.

32. I don't go to sleep ntil 2 or 3 in the morning most nights.

33. I am NOT a morning person.

34. I hate when people abbreviate words.

35. I say the phrase "mother of pearl" entirely too much.

36. I have a good sense of humor.

37. I love balloons, they make me happy.

38. I LOVE diet coke!

39. I would rather listen to 80's music all day than anything else.

40. I love Target and go there at least twice a week.

41. I hate taking out the trash.

42. I only type with my first two fingers, but type really fast.

43. I have an iphone and don't know how I lived without it.

44. I hate exercising, but love it after I'm done.

45. I will never be stick thin and I'm OK with that.

46. My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving because it celebrates two of my favorite things: family and eating.

47. I love food but I also hate it because I love it so much.

48. I have to have my bangs cut a certain way.

49. I am obsessed with accessories, especially necklaces, but wear the same ones all the time.

50. I have a tie for favorite TV show: Gilmore Girls and Sex and the City

51. I can recite most episodes of Sex and the City because I have seen them so many times.

52. Sometimes I get to the place I was driving to and don't remember how I got there.

53. I hate my voice.

54. My biggest pet peeve is loud sneezers.

55. I think Owen has the cutest voice I have ever heard.

56. I hate shopping on the sale rack, but usually find everything I like there.

57. I am really bad at telling jokes.

58. I get my feelings hurt very easily.

59. I love being 27.

60. Turning 30 scares me but also seems so exciting.

61. My favorite nail polish color is midnight in moscow.

62. I have to talk about my decisions before I make them.

63. I have been told I laugh like Betty Rubble.

64. I am a control freak.

65. I used to be really good at playing the flute.

66. I really wish I liked football, because it intrigues me.

67. I have the best friends in the whole world.

68. I hate the taste of beer, but always wish I liked it.

69. I love the water.

70. If I could look like anyone in the world it would be Charlize Theron.

71. If I could marry any celebrity I would marry Dave Grohl or Josh Duhamel.

72. I got my first job at 14 years old.

73. I am very strong willed.

74. I get really bad anxiety when I hang out with anyone I don't know.

75. When I was little a plane my sister and I were on had to make an emergency landing and we got to slide down the slide.

76. I hate flying.

77. I could eat ice cream everyday.

78. I overanalyze everything.

79. I take medicine for adult ADD.

80. I feel the best about myself after getting my haircut.

81. I don't really have a "hobby" and I'm OK with that.

82. I wish I knew how to sew.

83. I wish I was more creative.

84. I have 3 sisters and 1 brother.

85. People with bad grammar annoy me.

86. I think Clarity by Jimmy Eat World is the best album ever made.

87. I miss Owen so much when he goes to sleep that I go in and rock him sometimes.

88. I don't like living with other people.

89. I think that if a girl doesn't have other friends who are girls you shouldn't trust them.

90. Through out middle school I went by "Sam" because it was too hard for people to say my name, thats really strange when I think about it.

91. When I was 5 I knew all the lyrics to losing my religion.

92. I was the first grandchild and niece in my family.

93. One of my favorite things ever was when I would walk into a room where my Grandpa was and I would say hi and ask him how he was and he would say "if I was any better I'd be you" anytime I hear someone say this it warms my heart, I love my Grandpa

94. I am obsessed with mac eyeshadow and once sold several colors to a woman at the counter while the salesladies were busy.

95. Most people know me as Shaz, I don't know how I got this nickname.

96. I don't like my name.

97. My friend and I used to go see the star wars movies when they first came out, I watched one a few months back and don't quite understand why we were so into them.

98. My friends and I used to go on ghost hunts in the middle of the night to places hours away, these are some of my most favorite memories.

99. I hate talking on the phone.

100. I like who I am.

I hope this didn't bore you, maybe soon I will be back to write about something interesting:)