I hear her voice and know she is there and I'm rushing to get to her and I almost make it, but every time before I do shes gone, even in my dreams I know this means I won't get to see her again and so I start sobbing, uncontrollably. Every time I wake up to the same thing...tears streaming down my face and feeling as thought I'm hyperventilating from crying so hard... It's in this moment that Owen yells out "mommy come and get me" from his crib (yes were still in a crib don't judge) and all I hope for in that moment is that he will lay back down so I can just cry and be sad for a few minutes, but he yells at me again "mommy I'm up, come here" and I get up to go and get him, he puts his arms around me as I pick him up and the day begins. All through out the day there was 1:11 and 11:11 all over the place, fleetwood Mac was on two stations on the radio, natalie merchant as I sat happily with my friends and things started to make sense....my mom is with me, everyday....in the times when Owen cries out for me because he needs me, just like my mom was for me...I remember one time I was in my room I had gotten in an argument with Adam whole I was home visiting and I was crying. My mom came home from grocery shopping and I yelled out for her through my sobs and she rushed up the stairs...my mom wasn't particularly love dovey with me, but this time she sat next to me on my bed and held me and told me it would be ok and to come sleep in her room with her that night and I suddenly felt better....maybe that's why in times when I cry in the middle of my bathroom floor all I want to do is yell for my mom and have her come hold me and tell me it will be ok, but then there are days like yesterday when I feel her so present around me and I know that when I laugh sitting among people who care about me while "carnival" plays over the loud speakers that she is doing just that.
This month tends to be the hardest for me because I remember back to the day where my aunt called to tell me I needed to come home, the plane ride where I got sick from the magnitude of what was taking place, the nights where I would sit in the hospital room watching her chest rise and fall because I didn't want her to be alone when it was time to go, how funny it was that usually she would wake up and see me doing this and tell me to stop staring at her...the beach house when we were going go go for a walk and all of us sitting on her bed and her saying she wishes she could walk, her singing happy birthday to me and my sister saying to me "she's singing to you!" and then the few days later where she held my hand and stared me in the eye as she left the earth and her broken body and went up to be perfect and happy with Jilly. All of these thoughts come flooding at me at once and then the next minute someone needs me at work, Owen comes and sits on my lap, the thoughts are broken and I know why this is....because rather than sit and think about all of this she wants me to live my life....be a good mom, take care of my baby just like she did with us because all she ever wanted was to be a mom and take care of babies...to work hard and be independent like she was, but lately more than ever I feel like she is trying to get me to see through some of the sadness and loneliness that I feel at times and show me how truly beautiful and wonderful my life is and to live it in a way that maybe she never really got to, so that's what I've been trying to do. A lot has changed recently, but I know that everything will be ok and that when it gets nard even though I can't see her, that she makes it known she's there and it will be ok.
Posts
