Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Tonight I felt good for the first time in a while, Im starting to think it has something to do with Adam not being here to baby me... so I cleaned the living room, really, REALLY cleaned the living room, you would be very impressed! I cleaned the kitchen, mopped the floors, cometed (which is now a word) the bathroom, dont worry I covered my nose as to not breathe in the fumes. Best of all I even made it out to Target where I purchased new white egyptian cotton sheets... they don't just sound fancy they are, they are 400 thread count and feel like a dream! I also bought two new king sized pillows to put my new, beautiful Anthropologie pillow cases on, to go with my new, beautiful Anthropologie quilt, and as you can see my bed looks Heavenly in my opinion! Now I am finally relaxing on the couch, I think I may have overdone it. Unfortunately with not doing laundry for a couple of weeks comes tons and tons of laundry, I vow to not let this happen again! Adam is at a wedding and if I would have known I would feel this good I would have gone with him... I watched a food network show on fast food while folding laundry and now really want wendy's. I'm so glad to have something sound good besides soft pretzels, (yes little Jolie or Owen loves soft pretzels) popsicles, or watermelon. 

Father God, I feel I need to write to you, my mind races when I try to get it all out and though I know you know my heart, I need to write these words to you today. I want to thank you, thank you so much for this amazing blessing you have given to Adam and I. You know my heart and know how much I have wanted this all my life, and now I have this baby growing inside me each day, you have chosen to allow me this long with this blessing and I pray that you will allow me my life to remain with this precious child. The truth is everyday I am scared, Im scared that it will all be taken from me, that it is just so amazing that I almost don't deserve it, but I know that I need to trust in you Lord, so my prayer to you is to please take this feeling, this feeling of unworthiness, of guilt, of fear out of my heart and please place trust in it. I need to trust in you Father, please grant me peace and joy. I am crying out to you Father to please allow me to feel peace and joy everyday rather than this fear everyday. I know that you have a plan for me and I can only pray that your plan is for me to be able to raise this amazing and beautiful miracle you have given me. I thank you for everything you have done. 

I read this verse on another blog today and it spoke to me:

"the righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit"

Charlotte and Betty

The day was not starting out well, I had not gotten much sleep, I was feeling very bad, and on top of it at 9:30 I got the call to go get my random drug test. If you know me, you know that I am not a party girl, I dont do drugs, I rarely drank, so these drug tests they require of supervisors doesnt bother me. But this drug test in unlike others... because of one person who apparently used some kind of device to give fake pee for a drug test, we are now forced to be watched while we pee.... so at 9:30 feeling icky, annoyed, and anxious because I dont pee in front of people I know let alone a stranger I made my way to the facility. I waited for about a half an hour and then I met miss Charlotte, who in my eyes is such a blessing and one of the sweetest ladies I have ever met. Somehow we got on the subject of where I was from, and sweet miss Charlotte shared with me her sister lives there.... her sweet sister named Betty Edmondson who is terminally ill with cancer... I asked her name so I could pray for her, and I feel like I may have changed Charlotte's day like she changed mine. It seems so small, but it was so big, in 15 minutes sweet Charlotte changed my day and part of my life, we talked about my mom, her brother and my grandma and this little angel in my tummy and it was just a wonderful moment. Since then I find myself praying for sweet Betty, I picture her and I imagine she must have a heart like Charlottes and I just think that we can't afford to lose another kind soul like these people, so all of you out there who pray, if you can pray for Betty, apparently she is in a lot of pain, pray that if God must have her back that she stays out of pain, or if there is a miracle that our wonderful Lord Jesus can perform that he does. 

Dear Baby,

How I love you so, so, so much, but how I would love to know... what do you like to eat? I once thought it was watermelon, but you don't seem to like that anymore... I thought it was cucumbers, but you don't like those anymore either. Yesterday it was cup o noodles, but today it wasn't. You don't even seem to like ginger ale anymore... dearest baby I am running out of options as nourishment for you. I have to tell you though, you seem like you are sassy and are very stuck on what you want, and I like your style little baby, but can we make a deal? In 2 weeks and 5 days I will be past the 12 week mark, how about you start to like something, anything, I'll eat anything you like as long as I won't be sick all day and night. Love of my life, please don't take this the wrong way, if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with you in this world I will spend everyday of this pregnancy sick, but if you are like me, (which I think you are) I know that with the right deal you can be persuaded. I will take your acceptance of this deal as allowing this next glass of ginger ale to sooth this yucky feeling.

Me & the bean

Yesterday we saw the first picture of our beautiful little Jolie or Owen in my belly. Hearing the words "theres a baby in there" from my doctor made everything seem real, and as soon as I saw that beautiful, tiny heart beating I was in love. 

Every time I have gone to the doctor I have been asked the question "do you want to have kids" anyone who knows me knows that this is my dream in life and I want nothing more, so of course my answer is yes, and after that comes the response that I guess they don't remember telling me the other times I have seen them "well with your PCOS it is going to be difficult to have children" so Adam and I began trying thinking it would take months, if even at all... shortly thereafter I started to feel sick, every night like clockwork I would feel sick, I was falling asleep t 10 p.m. (not normal for me) and so I took a test, it came back negative... still I continued to feel this way for 3 straight weeks and after 3 pregnancy tests coming back negative I decided to stop taking them.... 

One night Ilene and I went to Target and I decided to buy another pack of them, we were outside Target and I told her how I had been feeling, but that I need to stop getting my hopes up, she told me I need to take another test, we hung out till 1 a.m. and I went home and thought I would take one just to see what happens... I looked at it after a minute, nothing... then I looked at it again and there 2 lines! After 22 phone calls and a cup of water I took another one which read the same, the next morning it read the same, in the target bathroom with a digital test that read "pregnant" I finally believed it. 

I only wish my mom and grandma were here, how lucky this baby would be to have them in it's life, but then I realized that they know them, he or she is being cared for in Heaven before it comes to bless us with it's presence and will be so loved by so many. 

My blessed baby bean has been making its presence known by causing me constant morning sickness, but as long as it is OK in there I will take whatever comes my way!