A post I never wanted to write?

I think it's pretty safe to say that when a doctor of any kind asks you if you are driving or
Sitting down that they are about to deliver bad news...whoever decided this was the best way to "brace" someone for some bad news they are about to receive clearly wasn't thinking it though...as soon as I heard those words last month I knew the words I had been dreading to hear were what my genetic counselor was about to tell me...the test came back positive. My screening showed that much like my mom and aunt had, I too had the genetic mutation that would try to attack my body and give me breast or ovarian cancer. Even though I have always thought this would be the case, it was like it hit me in the face with a brick...I couldn't breathe, I was trying to calm down, when all I wanted to do was crawl up into a ball under my desk and cry and cry and cry. I didn't do that, instead I made an appointment to meet with her that day and didn't really say much to anyone but a few people I was close with about what was going on, after meeting with her I felt even worse than I had before...87% chance of developing breast cancer...probably more like 90% because of my family
History...mammograms, mris, removing my ovaries, early menopause and worst of all the ugly word that I have convinced myself over and over again would be something I would NEVER do...mastectomy. I left and did what any emotional girl would do...I sat in my living room and ate chipotle chips and guacamole and cried. I was so angry, why did this have to happen; hadn't losing my mom been enough? Hadn't seeing my grandmother die quickly from ovarian cancer been all that I had to face? Why? "This is saving your life" how? How was this saving my life, I'm pretty sure you just told me how it's going to end? "At least you weren't told you had cancer" hey, you're right, but what if someone told you, you are going to be hit by a truck sometime in the next 5 years, we don't know when, but if you drive or go outside the house it's 90% certain you will be hit by a truck, would you thank them for letting you know and then just live in seclusion for the next 5 years? I realize its not that dramatic but you get my point (hopefully)....so I listened to my doctors and family...I read up on what my "diagnosis" meant, what all the options were, I met with every doctor I was told I should...surveillance is the answer, just get checked every 6 months and if we catch it early
Enough your survival rate is great, oh but then if you get it, you have a 70% chance of it coming back-and oh yeah it will be harder to treat...there is only so many times you can
Hear or read "it's not if, it's when"....I was on overload. I was angry, I was mean, I was so many different emotions that for a good 2 weeks I'm sure my boyfriend could tell you I was the most awful person to be around, anything set me off... I felt like this had ruined my life...no one would understand why I was angry because I was healthy, my plastic surgeon acted like I was such a bad ass because I could do crossfit...I had a clean mammogram, no irregularities, I was feeling great, so I
Often asked myself why do you feel like this black cloud is over you? You're totally fine,
Move the eff on and stop worrying about it, you're being a baby, people have had worse things happen, they've been told they have cancer! You don't!!!! So I would feel stupid and ashamed and almost like a weirdo hypochondriac for even feeling like I had something to be upset about, this made me feel worse and stupid and just bad! So I started to read blogs of women like me, girls who were in their twenties and thirties who watched their moms, aunts, grandmothers suffer through the awful, horrible beast that is cancer and decided boobs weren't worth it and did the unthinkable-cut off their twenty year old lovely breasts...I read, looked at their pictures, researched more, talked to my
New bff-my breast surgeon and finally made the appointment I didn't want to make-a plastic surgeon.

The pictures weren't as scary as I thought they would be, the doctor and nurse were so wonderful
And caring, they answered every question I had, drew me pictures, gave me the number of a woman who was going through the same thing as me and assured me that I wasn't silly for feeling the way I did, it was devastating, it's ok to grieve the idea of a normal, healthy life. I left feeling better than I had before. Tonight when Owen asked me why I only had a daddy and not a mommy I realized what all of this was for...it's all for that precious soul, for him to have his mommy to see him do the things my mom didnt get to. I got to find out that I had this ugly, stupid gene at a time where I could have a say in things rather than after cancer treatment, losing my hair, suffering, having to think about leaving my kids, I had the knowledge that I know my mom would have wished she had and I was going to do what I never though I would and what I believe will save my life-a double mastectomy with reconstruction. I am scared shitless! I haven't had any surgery besides my wisdom teeth being extracted and I remember crying like a damn baby the second I woke up from that, how the hell am I going to handle my effing breast being chopped off? But I know I will get through it and I will know I did everything to be there for Owen (even when he doesn't want me to be) to grow old, to see Owen graduate, get married, and maybe have kids of his own, because I KNOW my mom would
Have chosen the same. So this is kinda the beginning of my "journey" (ew I feel like I'm on the bachelor) I have another appointment in 2 weeks and then we will schedule my surgery for December 4th it looks like...I really love my boobs so the though of being without them...(uh d cup down to a
Negative a for a while) makes me want to throw up...the thought of going back to work with a suddenly flat chest, stitches, drains, expanders that make you not be able to sleep on anything but your back literally makes me break out in hives, but this could mean a long life for me and I know getting rid of some tissue doesn't make me any different of a person and it definitely doesn't outweigh LIFE!!!! So this will be my little outlet so I don't freak out or cry everyday until December...hopefulness maybe by the end of it I can look back and wonder why I ever freaked out so much (a girl can hope right?)